The Cool Of Functional

It has become apparent to me, that a man's life can be quantified by a series of events that happen to every man. It might not be as transparent as one would imagine. It is the steady and precictable evolution that occurs along a case-specific timeline for each man, and it does happen to each and every man. It is a subtle but not so ambiguous shift, not unlike the transition from dusk to dark. The solitary factor that seems to exculpate all men is embedded in the universal nature of the change. I am speaking of the slow shift from being cool to being functional, that rumbles on like a juggernaut with a mission that he is not sure why he proceeds at. But he proceeds. It starts off very young. My first pair of shorts were the coolest, why? Because they had no pockets. But at some point I had to resign myself to acquiring pockets to carry things around in that I "needed" This is only the beginning. I don't have the time to elaborate on all the intricacies that lie therein, so I will hit the high points. The high school and college years are spent with countless hours in front of a mirror trying with all one's strength to look cool. This can be seen with the amount of money spent on clothes and cologne. For the sake of brevity, I will convey the rest of the high points in list format, as The Steak is prone to do....

1. Undershirts are completely abandoned, any amount of chest hair show-thru or armpit sweat no longer is any concern.
2. Hair, or what is left of it, is not fixed, but combed, and any shape that results is acceptable, becuase looking in mirrors becomes loathesome and unnecessary.
3. Belts are replaced by suspenders
4. Suspenders are replaced by rainbow colored or bright red suspenders.
5. The daily attire consists of one piece short sleeve dickies coveralls, preferably in some shade of blue, and with a low neck for optimal breathability and chest hair sportage.
6. Shoes that must be tied are replaced by a combination of work boots ( to be worn for any occasion) or velcro shoes.
7. The ultimate, is when pockets and wallets are no longer enough, the man begins to sport a fanny pack, and this is the pinnacle of replacing cool points for being functional.
8. I have never seen it, but two fanny packs would be some level of functional that seems impossible, but I have complete confidence that the first man to pull this off, will take over the world, and promptly deposit said world in his fanny pack.