My Friend Hollywood (Top Photo) and Dolph Lundgren (Bottom Photo): The Same Person?

I felt the need to clarify who was who in the photos before I started, so as not to confuse anyone. I know what you are thinking....what is there to clarify, they are the same person. And, you may in fact be correct, as I too think that they are perhaps one and the same. I do not have a better photo of Hollywood/Dolph, but I guess it doesn't matter since they are the same person, for the following reasons...

1. The man in both photos can very effortlessly do the splits.

2. The patented scowl that says without saying things like "If he dies...he dies" and "I must break you"

3. The man in both photos struggles with the English language and is often hard to understand.

4. They look exactly the same.

5. When playing Mortal Kombat, they both get Sub-Zero every time, and always do the same finishing move.

6. Lastly, I have never seen the two in the same place at the same time.

There you have it, indisputable evidence, so if you see Hollywood/Dolph, give him a pat on the back or the wink and the gun and tell him "Good job in Universal Soldier" or "Rocky IV is the greatest movie of all time." He will appreciate it, and might not put you in the figure 4 leg lock until your bowels explode.

Until next time,

Dial'em In

Pat Garrett

News

Update: I have enabled the blog to allow non-members to post comments, so a username and password should not be required to leave a comment.

Wake Up With The King

I was going to write about big 4X4 trucks and the morons that drive them, but I had something else elbow and claw its way to the front of my brain, so it gets priority in this case, and don't worry, the other post will be up sometime soon. First off, I apologize for such a long period of time passing since my last post, I will do my best to keep that from happening in the future. The Steak had a fantastic weekend. Started off saturday morning with a trip to government canyon for some mountain biking, then a crawdad boil for the afternoon, and Aaron Watson and Jack Ingram at oyster bake on sat night. All in all, a fantastic day, much better than doing school work or chasing chickens....now on to the topic......

The Takeover of Burger King

As I was watching the new Burger King commercial for the french toast breakfast sammich, a very pecuilar idea was pointed out by my roommate Max Danger, and thus is the topic of discussion for this post. Por emplejo, (you are welcome KK), I know you have witnessed the commercial where the king attempts to push his co-worker off the construction work scaffolding suspended high above the ground after handing him his morning cup of coffee. Who could forget the king peering out from behind a tree to offer his compatriot the new meatnormous breakfast sammich to aid him in his chopping activity. These three things....two unbelievably fatty and unhealthy sammiches, and the consumption high octane "joe" at dangerous heights with an unsavory co-worker are the subtle ploy of Burger King to take over the U.S., one fat, lazy American at a time. It is obvious that the king is slowly picking us off in an attempt to take over. Which begs the question why? Why would the king lure us in, only to watch us waste away from high cholesterol and even higher expectations of a newer, even more unhealthy and meaterrific sammich. Sadly I do not have the answer....so get out your BeefSteak Home Detective Kits...because the first person to decipher this cipher will be sent one free autographed sixth grade picture of me, complete with glasses that are too large, braces, and a polo shirt buttoned all the way to the top.

Special thanks to Max Danger for bringing up this idea...furthermore, with the stress of school right now, all questions posted in the comment section will be answered, thereby allowing me to not have to think of my own topics for awhile.

The Gambler

BeefSteak...aka...The Steak

I feel it necassary and appropriate to unravel the profile heading of The Steak. Where did the name come from? How does someone get such a cool nickname? Why don't I have a sweet nickname like that? Why BeefSteak or The Steak and why not somehting like Kid Dynamite or Ole Baby Leatherface? So let me begin to deploy the explanation of the man, the myth, the legend that is the BeefSteak. Most self-appointed nicknames ultimately fail due to some attempt to make one's self seem way more sweet and awesome than they actually are. Therefore, as a friend to that person, one is obliged to dismantle this nickname with ridicule and unmerciful attempts to embarrass them in front of women. Many self appointed nicknames are usually something uber-gay like "Diesel", "Tank", or "Tiny". These are all good and fine, and even somewhat manly, but only acceptable to give yourself if you are a four year-old girl. But every once in awhile, someone gives themself a nickname that is so undeniably sweet and genius at the same time, that the earth takes a moment to stop spinning and give a tip of the hat to it. On a day when time stood still, I decided that I should have the nickname BeefSteak, and The Steak is also acceptable, if you are really busy, and need to save paper by using less letters. It was decided by all who were within earshot, and didn't immediately spontaneously combust from the atomic greatness of the whole ordeal, agreed that never a more superb nickname had been given to one's self. So, before you decide to give yourself a nickname, take time to reflect on it, decide if you have the cajones to step up to the plate and throw down one as sublime as BeefSteak. If the answer is no, then save yourself the pain of getting stuck with a gay nickname and a plummet of both man and cool points. If the answer is yes, I can give myself a nickname that is as good or better than that, then you are obviously a liar and delusional. Until then, the BeefSteak will sit atop his throne of pseudonyms, with a cigar in one hand, and scepter made of solid Steak in the other, sipping the nectar of the Gods from a chalice made of lightning and thunder.

Next Blog - Big jacked up 4X4 trucks and the morons that drive them.

Until Then....Light Fuse and Get Away...but whatever you do, don't Panic.

BeefSteak

Dynamite

Well, recently I have noticed several things about commercials that are on TV, which are as follows...
1. Apparently, only black people like McDonald's anymore.
2. Sweaty chicks are hot.
3. That whoever the genius is at Applebee's was that came up with that Gilligan's Island theme obviously doesn't have a TV, or watch the NCAA tournament, because I found myself hating basketball just because that commercial was on so much and surprisingly sucked worse every time I saw it.
4. Rabbits are silly, and Trix in fact, are for kids.
5. You can get a great paying job straight out of school by attending a six week course to learn a trade from your computer.
6. Lastly, that Tag and Axe body spray, which seem way to gay for me, would help me pick up women with little or no trying whatsoever....spray spray...and BOOM! Ladies all up on the Steak. I could probably combine the two into to one spray, lather myself up with it, and walk around and impregnate women simply by mouthbreathing on them.

Well, off to bed, long day of being painfully awesome tomorrow.

Seacrest.....OUT!

Crazy is as crazy does.

Today's topic is one that every knows about, but I think people tend to shy away from it all too often. The fact of the matter is, that women are all crazy, it just is a matter of time before you see the true craziness at some point. The following are a few examples from my own personal observations, as well as the observations of others....
1. The fact that a woman will wear a shoe that hurts like hell, but keep wearing it all day for the sake of who knows what, because no man ever looks at a woman's shoe anyway, and other women just say how great they are and then tell their friend that they are the most awful shoes they have ever seen as soon as they are out of earshot of the person with the awful great shoes. Which leads to point two...
2. Women, for whatever reason will act like they are best friends with an enemy when they meet them in public. No matter how much they profess to hate this other woman (usually they will refer to her as "trashy", "disgusting", or "slutty") in private, they are suddenly best friends who exchange phone numbers and pretend that they will call each other, to only further perpetuate the saga.
3. Women will exchange cell phone numbers with people they only see once every three years with no intention of ever calling. This whole phenomenon confuses me anytime people exchange cell phone numbers with someone they haven't spoken with in three or four years.
4. Woman think that any event, no matter how insignificant ("I just want everyone to know that the bake sale was a big success") requires some sort of announcment that needs to stop the daily lives of others and quiet everyone down.
5. The ability to cry over things such as a dress fitting too tight or hair getting messed up
6. That crazy woman voice they get when they greet one of their friends that they haven't seen in a while, and a while can mean ten minutes or 2 years, but you all know what i am talking about....the "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy girl, I haven't seen you in so long you crazy girl you." This is all said at least two or three octaves higher than normal speaking voice, and all the words are drawn out to emphasize that the other party in fact has not been seen in a while, and is crazy. The list is virtually endless, so look for follow up reports on this one, as daily interactions with women show new ways for them to be crazy that I never even knew about. Feel free to comment with any of your own ideas to add to the list, because it truly is never-ending

Keep Walking On Air

Dustin Diamond